I am afraid of death. I am afraid of sickness. And I am afraid of losing my loved ones. I thought I was doing well, until my body caved and I found myself in a hospital bed, being told I have hypertension, diabetes, and I need to do something about my health. Suddenly all of my fears came crashing on me.

Constantly battling anxiety is exhausting. I have this feeling of always wanting to go somewhere to be rid of it. Like the actual running away is actually going to get rid of the anxiety. But quite honestly, the happiness I would feel from running is fleeting. Like going to an adventure alone. After a while, it gets lonely. But I will go crazy thinking about how the joy I have been experiencing lately seems to be superficial and fleeting.

Pain. I know it too well. I have always treated pain like a family member. Someone who is constant, someone who is always there, and someone who hovers even if you don’t want them around. I told my therapist that is how I see pain and that I do not have a choice but to live with it.

Dear Guilt, How do you make friends with someone who is the very reminder of who you do not want to be? It is not that I dislike you. But you remind me so much of someone who I do not want to be. You are me, I am aware. You remind me of my past mistakes, my present fears, and my future misfortunes. You make me not want to step forward so I carelessly stumble on every little thing I am capable of. You make me not want to look back to my past, but by avoiding it, I am constantly living there.

I have no idea how much little hands can hold so much. Even those that you have not held yet. But here I am, my heart being held by a little one that I have not even seen yet, or held. At least, not in my arms.

I write this to remember today and how BTS reminds me that the past 10 years I had a lot of great things going for me too and that I should close that chapter of my life. I am honestly stuck in a rut. The past week was spent hiding - I don’t even know from what. From my past, from what I must confront, from my feelings, from my mind, from what hurt me, from my past achievements, there were too many things.

It is amazing what the human mind can do.

Our minds are capable of making things happen. Whether we physically do it, mentally prepare ourselves for events, and even ask our body to release and attract energies. We also have the ability to draw out emotions and replay our physical reactions to moments - of joy, trauma, or memorable events in our lives.

My heart is bursting at the seams. I am so sad, I don’t know what to do with it. I mourn for the me that I have lost. I mourn for what I was capable of doing. I mourn this surrender. I mourn this exhaustion. I mourn that life has to keep going and people need to go about their way and I still continue to mourn. Mourn everything I have lost and what I have not yet.

Coffee is always a good thing. An invitation from a friend to have coffee is even better. I have declared that I don’t like people in general. In my heart of hearts, I know this not to be true. I still enjoy being with people and talking to them, albeit preferring a crowd of 3 max, I really enjoy exchanging opinions, getting over discomforts, bringing up ideas, and even just making up dumb stories while laughing about it.

The freedom of flying or the feeling that it gives you is quite curious. I am listening to Agust D’s “Set Me Free” on his second mixtape. For some reason, it fits this cold rainy day in Tokyo. Here I am typing my thoughts away while looking out at the planes slowly making their way through the tarmac.

How do I defy the odds when I am constantly trying to hide behind my fears? They say destiny belongs to the underdogs, but I think it belongs to the brave. But being brave is easier said than done. When I feel my emotions are about to eat me up, my instinct is to always run away.

Passion is the curse of the young. Wisdom, the old. I thought about this long and hard as I wrote it down in my journal. Where has my passion flown off to? Is it lost? Or maybe it has become quite like the sea on a windless morning.

I hit 3 birds with one stone today. I went somewhere where BTS made big strides in their influence and career, I admired the architecture of greats I looked up to, and I allowed myself to dream again. I have not felt this giddy since the BTS Permission to Dance concerts in Las Vegas.

Getting to know the greats and wanting to be great again. I made a trip to the Metropolitan Museum of New York and met Rembrandt, Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet, and many more.

Spring day at Central Park, NYC. It feels great to be in my favorite city and I am out and about with the sun with me and a cool breeze behind us.