COME BACK

I write this to remember today and how BTS reminds me that the past 10 years I had a lot of great things going for me too and that I should close that chapter of my life.

I am honestly stuck in a rut.

The past week was spent hiding - I don’t even know from what. From my past, from what I must confront, from my feelings, from my mind, from what hurt me, from my past achievements, there were too many things. To be honest, I almost gave up. For the first time, I had to call a suicide hotline because I was desperate. I knew I needed help. I knew I cannot give up but my mind was telling me to let go.

There are many things to be grateful for now. Friends who made sure I don’t ever feel alone. Even if it feels that the hole I am in is really designed for me and that nobody is allowed to wallow in the darkness and the hurt but me, it brings me comfort that there are friends waiting patiently outside that hole.

The best was honestly the best, yes, but BTS is right. The best moment is yet to come and I should just keep going. It felt like I was tirelessly running and for some reason I found very little time to find joy in what I did.

This time I will enjoy every moment.
This time I will just live.
This time I will just love.

BTS says that if I get tired, I just rest and look to them. They are just there.

It may sound corney but I have never found this much peace and solace in any0ne. These 7 boys have saved me countless of times and made me sort out my feelings so many times. Because of their honesty, I am able to face my truths too.

I cannot promise anything but I promise I will die fighting to live.