bursting at the seams

9:01PM
Guadalupe, Philippines

My heart is bursting at the seams.

I am so sad, I don’t know what to do with it. I mourn for the me that I have lost. I mourn for what I was capable of doing. I mourn this surrender. I mourn this exhaustion. I mourn that life has to keep going and people need to go about their way and I still continue to mourn. Mourn everything I have lost and what I have not yet.

I have this immense capacity to fool myself that I am okay. And I have been doing it for a little over half a decade now. Fake it til you make it, they say. Well, I tried. It doesn’t work. If there is one thing I have learned from the past 2 months of journeying, is that you can’t fool your heart. You can tell your brain to think differently or view things in another perspective, but the heart will never yield.

For the most part of the past 5 years, I felt I was running full speed. Trying to make things work, trying to meet expectations, trying to tick off the things in the “Successful Architect List” one by one. And there was trying to be a good friend, mother, daughter, and wife. And I even added trying to be a good citizen. I was taught that if you give yourself, all of yourself, you will never run out and get to a point where you would be empty. BUT I DID. And boy, does it feel like an empty metal drum being hit by a metal rod again and again. It was loud, almost screaming, kind of empty. Thunderous yet nobody noticed. Not even me.

I have never said truer words in my life. I AM REALLY EXHAUSTED.

My head has so many things to express but I am too exhausted to even process it. So, even if this can come off as a lacking entry, I don’t care. I am too tired to care if anyone thinks I should have said more.

Someone come and save me and take care of me because my heart has no motivation to even mourn anymore. I have exhausted all sad to the limits that exhaustion can get.

SAVE ME.