Dear Guilt
Dear Guilt,
How do you make friends with someone who is the very reminder of who you do not want to be?
It is not that I dislike you. But you remind me so much of someone who I do not want to be. You are me, I am aware. You remind me of my past mistakes, my present fears, and my future misfortunes. You make me not want to step forward so I carelessly stumble on every little thing I am capable of. You make me not want to look back to my past, but by avoiding it, I am constantly living there. You make living in the present impossible. It has been a constant dance of regretting the past and fearing the future - round and round, dizzy from twirling around, living nothing, and worrying about everything. I am caught with everything and nothing at the dead end.
But you mean well, I know.
You are there to remind me that life is meant to be lived and mistakes are unavoidable. I am a good soul, I am blessed, I am surrounded by beautiful people, but I am allowed to kneel in surrender, make mistakes, get up, and have a go at it again. After all, life is like that right?
Oh Guilt, how can I be friends with you? You bear the face of many people that love me and hurt me.
The face of a mother who lovingly accepted me flaws and all.
The face of a father who believed in all the little and big things I can do.
The face of a husband who has patiently waited on me.
The face of a child who has eagerly waited for my approval.
The face of a son who has never drawn a single breath.
The face of a daughter who had to fight every single breath in the short life she has lived.
The face of a friend who chose her own ambition over accepting truths.
The face of people I have called my own but chose to hurt me.
The face of someone I look up to but chose to but only knew how to look down on others.
The face of strangers turned friends.
The face of suffering and helping hands.
Please Guilt, show me what to do. What does it take to know you? Although it may seem that you and I can never be friends, I want to give it a shot. Who knows? I might like you and you might like me too. And I might not be so intimidated by you in the end. You exist to be my constant reminder, yet Virgo as I am, I am stubborn and I insist on not needing reminding. Maybe we start with getting to know each other again. Maybe later on, I won’t take your reminders as personal and you can help me prepare for certain futures to come. We all have an end, and that is what I fear the most. You remind me constantly about this therefore I should not waste a second of my life. But the constant reminder feels like a threat. I fear losing. I hate losing. And you tell me that loss isn’t such a bad thing. We will all lose someone in this lifetime or the next, and guilt and fears are the friends who will not make us regret.
Dear Guilt, how do I forgive myself of my past. How do I let go without feeling like losing control? I am ready to make friends anew but be patient with me. I am too afraid of me. I am afraid of you too.
