It has been 977 days since I lost you. And every single time mother’s day comes around I cry for 2 reasons. I cry for you and I cry for the mother I have lost 2 years before I lost you. There have been days when I can truly say I am better now but on days like this, I just can’t make myself say that I am okay. In truth, the thought of you makes me want to jump back in the black hole I have fought hard to crawl out from. I have your sisters and I have daddy, but I cannot seem to forgive myself for what I have done to you.

I am in a dark space right now & I want to talk about guilt in the hopes of getting out of this space and stepping into the light. So allow me to be in my dark space. They say it is normal for mothers who lost their babies through miscarriage to feel guilty about losing the baby.

I came about from an emergency D&C operation. The first thing that hit me was the vision of losing my son. The exact moment I saw him when I was in the bathroom and the panic that I felt during that time. Too weak and my body too heavy, I still managed to cry.

I go to sleep without you in my tummy and I weep. I weep because you are the one we have waited for our entire lives and yet here we are unable to hold you. Please be with me as I live the rest of my life in faith, hope, and love, JB. Mommy wishes to live a life you can be proud of so I can be worthy to be ushered by you to the foot of our Loving Father in heaven.

This is the part where I speak about how I lost my baby, and if you are the kind to who do not have the stomach for things like these, I warn you, this will be descriptive. I write to tell my truth and how truly painful and horrible it is when you lose a child. I would not take it against you if you do not continue. But if you do, please bear with me. I need to speak of it. I need to validate my baby’s existence with words. It is the only way I feel I can immortalize him and remind myself that he is real.