CHANGE

5:24AM
Guadalupe, Cebu City

Coffee is always a good thing. An invitation from a friend to have coffee is even better.

I have declared that I don’t like people in general. In my heart of hearts, I know this not to be true. I still enjoy being with people and talking to them, albeit preferring a crowd of 3 max, I really enjoy exchanging opinions, getting over discomforts, bringing up ideas, and even just making up dumb stories while laughing about it.

I had the pleasure of enjoying a really long conversation with one of my favorite people yesterday, and for the first time, I spoke about the changes I wanted to do in my life, face to face. It was confrontational, scary, and liberating at the same time. It was uncomfortable, but the more I spoke about it, the truer it got.

Over the course of my 6-week hiatus and travel, I have come to terms with what I want and do not want, and how I want to navigate my career moving forward. I feel like my time of being a mentor has come to an end and that it was time to move on from that.

I know I was a great mentor, but I really cannot do it anymore. My past trauma, my grief, and my losses have changed me and I know that I have to take care of myself this time. I have held on to the notion of being a great mentor again, being responsible for other people, but it all turned out to be a dud. I thought long and hard, and why it felt like I am failing. I realized, I just cannot do it anymore. I am a completely different person, and sometimes coming to terms with big changes takes time to sink in. It wasn’t that I am a failure, I am just not who I used to be.

Gone are the days when I look forward to molding people to become better at what they do. Nowadays, the responsibility triggers my depression and anxiety, and just forcing my way to conquer that is just a task that feels impossible to achieve. I realized I don’t need to. There are countless other great architects in the field who can be great mentors. I might go as far as saying I have molded some of these current good mentors in the field. I am just not one of them anymore. And that is okay.

THAT IS OKAY. These 3 words have lifted a burden I have been carrying for the past year.

Truth be told, I asked myself if I was just trying to get away from responsibility and if I am just making excuses. But the more I think about it, the more it feels right.

So who am I now? What have I become? How did I change?

Trauma has scarred me. I am a bit fucked up in the head but I am a good person through and through. I know it. It’s okay to work for myself and contribute where I feel like I can contribute more - social good, design a bit, work on taking care of myself, spend quality time with family, and more BTS time. I want a quiet life, I want to affect positive change on things that matter to me, to the very few people I have kept in my circle, and to make money enough to watch BTS concerts. HAHA

I don’t want a hustle that is dictated by society. Where we have to be putting out the best work that they define. I will define what is good for me and for my practice. I will make sure it affects change and is good for my community too.

Exhaustion is not a trophy for hard work.
Acceptance by society is not a validation of love.
Being the best is subjective.

I want to be the best in my own definition of best.
Kind and compassionate to others.
I affect someone’s life as quietly as I can through the work that I do.
I am able to take care of myself fully so I can take care of my family and the people I love.

I get it. I think I finally get it.