MOMENTARY BLISS

Picadilly Cafe, Kuala Lumpur
9:52AM

We experience a certain kind of bliss when we remove ourselves from our usual.

The moment the plane took off, I got scared and relieved at the same time. Excited, feeling great things are about to happen, but also scared as I am leaving everything familiar.

Constantly battling anxiety is exhausting. I have this feeling of always wanting to go somewhere to be rid of it. Like the actual running away is actually going to get rid of the anxiety. But quite honestly, the happiness I would feel from running is fleeting. Like going to an adventure alone. After a while, it gets lonely. But I will go crazy thinking about how the joy I have been experiencing lately seems to be superficial and fleeting. And if I really consider things, it really isn’t. Bliss is addicting. To be more specific, dopamine. The happy hormone that our body craves, the more we get a doses of it, we want it more and more. This exposes us constantly to our pleasure-producing stimuli and eventually we get addicted to it just to feel “normal”.

I am trying to remember when I was constantly happy that made me dopamine-deficit. Did I have a very happy childhood that made me crave for constant pleasure that I have become numb to all of it? Did my trauma worsen this dopamine deficiency? Can I make my dopamine normal again? I guess this can be better explained by my therapist. But the overthinking is just taking the joy out of wanting to be joyful. Or maybe this is my ADHD self, overthinking every little thing again.

There are tons of things I do not know with what I am going through. There are days I can take it in stride. Some days, I forget that this even exists. But on days when it gets difficult, it can be paralyzing. I try to remind myself that during the most difficult of difficult days, I need to look at the ones who constantly bring me joy and hope. Hope sparks gratefulness, and joy becomes more sustainable and realistic when I am grateful. I become braver when I am hopeful. I guess with us who battle depression and anxiety, being brave can get a bit challenging. I am constantly reminded we are brave for having weathered everything, but it feels like all I have been doing is running away.

My last therapy session was a reminder to be present. Live in the present. Writing helps me live in the present. It forces me to confront my now. It can be daunting but also it has been very helpful. My now is made up of my family - my husband and my kids. They help me get grounded, and it is easier to be grateful when I look to them. I worry less about the future, and live in the past less.

Bliss to me now is not in the moments that I search for - it is in the moments I get to spend with my family and friends. I guess the word I am looking for would be Joy. Joy would be a more apt. Joy doesn’t have to be loud and big. Joy can be quiet too, like strength. Like a quiet smile, or peaceful sunny Sunday morning. A 5/5 coffee in a cute cafe in the old streets of Kuala Lumpur. Or a call from loved ones. Nothing grand, nothing big, but loving and lingering.