the human mind
It is amazing what the human mind can do.
Our minds are capable of making things happen. Whether we physically do it, mentally prepare ourselves for events, and even ask our body to release and attract energies. We also have the ability to draw out emotions and replay our physical reactions to moments - of joy, trauma, or memorable events in our lives.
I had this amazing discovery yesterday over hot cocoa and conversations with 2 of my friends in Manila. I came here to hide. Again. There were too many emotions I felt back home, I felt that I had to physically distance myself. My first order of business was to speak to a friend who went through a serious bout of depression. I needed someone who can tell me what she was going through so I can deal with my own demons.
What I have discovered is that my recent experiences - anxiety attacks, deep negative feelings, and bouts of procrastination and demotivation are real symptoms of Depression and PTSD, and then there are plenty of people who are experiencing this and seeking help.
I have never been one to ask for help. I am used to giving it so much that it has become a knee-jerk response for me in any situation. But when it is my turn to ask, I just can’t seem to find the right words for it. I have found myself composing text messages to ask a friend to sit with me, yet I find myself erasing these messages before I even get to send them, countless times.
I sit here now typing these words away when several minutes ago I was crying my eyeballs out. I feel exhausted and I have no reason to be. The frustration of it all is getting to me. I have drowned myself in countless things I thought I enjoy, and here I am not remembering the fleeting moment of joy it brought me.
My mind seems to remember my trauma in detail even if I have merely bits and pieces in my memory of it. I remember vivid moments when I went through my trauma, and even if I don’t remember them in moments when I get my attacks, my mind seems to react exactly the same way. Or so, I am told. I want it to go away. I want to be happy. I really do. And I know happiness does not need to be constant. But I don’t remember how to be happy too.
I write when I am sad. It frustrates me. I want to write about happy things too. I want to be motivated to write when I am happy. But I guess I can only really write when I am at my extremes. My mind goes on overdrive and can spit out words endlessly. I never meant to be deliberate with the message, but all of it was heartfelt. I guess you can read the frustration and the pain in my words too. My mind has a way to communicate with words what my heart cannot seem to figure out.
The human mind is complex and I seem to be lost in mine. My head is a maze of walls built to protect my mind yet the crazy, painful things, seem to come to life in full color and haunt me daily.
