GUILT

September 10, 2019

I am in a dark space right now & I want to talk about guilt in the hopes of getting out of this space and stepping into the light. So allow me to be in my dark space.

They say it is normal for mothers who lost their babies through miscarriage to feel guilty about losing the baby. First of all, losing a loved one doesn’t feel normal. Guilt comes when you feel that you have done or not done anything to a given situation.

It has not been long since I found out I was pregnant with Bjorn, and since I found out, I tried my best to care for myself so I can better take care of him inside my womb. But the past few months have been a tremendous roller coaster ride for me, and I have been exerting extra efforts in certain “situations” when it was obvious that none can be done about it.

I hoped. And maybe this is my excuse. That something in my situation will change. An apology, an act of kindness, a confirmation of understanding. I have bared all and loved too much that I have forgotten to love myself. So when the time came that I MUST, I didn’t know how to start.

This compromised my pregnancy without me knowing it.

Days before I lost my baby, I received rather heavy news and I took it to heart. I could not sleep, eat, nor stop my heart from hurting. I wanted to lash out. I questioned my person. I felt very betrayed by people I thought were my friends. And most especially, I regret ever teaching people what I taught them.

I have so much regret that I feel this need to write it all down and talk about it one by one. I felt (and maybe still feel) that none of these people nor situations was worth my baby boy. NONE. Not even all of them put together.

I forgot how I was supposed to love myself and just simply walk away from that hurt. I should have. I should have walked away from all that crap a long time ago. I should have said enough. I should have loved myself more. I should have followed my heart. But I didn’t. And the guilt that it has put on me is so heavy, that it looks like it is impossible to forgive myself.

Losing Bjorn was the price I paid for decisions that I have made. I chose to be angry, I chose to care too much, I chose to hope that things and people get better, I hoped to see more kindness and understanding, and I chose to not care for myself. So this is what I got instead.

The sound of guilt is usually silence. But now I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and blame everyone else for my loss. But I know my son wants me to love and be a bigger person. I know he wants me to be kind. And I know he wants me to be happy so I am able to care for his daddy,  his sisters, and myself better. So I will be.

I am so sorry, Bjorn for being stubborn, and angry, and for wallowing in that pool of hurt that people put me in. I would do it differently if I could do it all over again, but I can’t. So I walked away for you. It had to be you who would teach my stubborn heart how to love myself. It really isn’t worth losing you, baby. It really isn’t. Believe me, mommy will do anything for you. I will do this for you. Please just show me and tell me you are okay and you are going to be okay where you are.