LOSING BJORN

September 8, 2019

I promised to write about my experience and make an online journal. This is mostly for me, to help me with my grief. But to those who know me, they would know that although I may not be too good with words, I know how to use it when I am in the height of my emotions. And today, as it was 4 days ago, it is grief. 

Sixteen weeks into my pregnancy I lost my son. Angel Joseph Bjorn. He was supposed to be named just Bjorn, but I will reserve that story some other time. 

People have asked me what happened. Questions from how stressed I was, how unhealthy I was to carry a baby, what I have done to cause the miscarriage, and if I even knew I was pregnant. Oftentimes, it would just be about how my baby is an angel now watching over me and that he is with God. 

Please STOP. 

This does not help, nor does it make me feel any better. 

Any mother who loses their child, the one they have carried in their womb no matter how short it was, will get their hearts broken to a million pieces. And no amount of consoling will ever help to make the pain go away. 

So your opinions, your expertise, and certainly your judgment will not be needed. 

I lost my son and it doesn’t matter now how I lost him or why. Believe me, if there would be someone who would want to know the reason why, it would be me. But there isn’t one. 

Was I healthy carrying my baby? Probably not.
Was I stressed? Extremely. 
Was I prepared to have another child after 13 years? I am not sure. 

But what I am very sure of is I want to have at least the chance to hold my son in my arms and grieve properly. But I didn’t. And I will never ever get the chance to hold him, or kiss him, or nurse him, or sing him to sleep. He was never even afforded a death certificate as he was only 16 weeks old and weighed only 300 grams. He was put in a bottle and given to us for us to figure out what to do with his tiny body.

Losing Bjorn is something I can never unsee or ever forget. And I refuse to forget him. To me, he exists. To me, he will always be loved. And to me, he is my first-born son and I will live the rest of my life honoring his existence.