NINE HUNDRED SEVENTy-SEVEN

Dear JB,

It has been 977 days since I lost you.

And every single time mother’s day comes around I cry for 2 reasons. I cry for you and I cry for the mother I have lost 2 years before I lost you.

There have been days when I can truly say I am better now but on days like this, I just can’t make myself say that I am okay. In truth, the thought of you makes me want to jump back in the black hole I have fought hard to crawl out from. I have your sisters and I have daddy, but I cannot seem to forgive myself for what I have done to you. It’s not my fault., they say. I would have no way of knowing it would all end up like that, they say. But you and I know what the doctor has warned me. I was so persistent on getting what I want and did not stop at anything to make sure I get there. I didn’t listen to anyone. Not even you.

I don’t know if you have forgiven me. Well, you’re an angel now so you probably have. But 977 days without you have been excruciatingly painful and I don’t know how long I can hold on any longer pretending it does not hurt anymore. If anything, it hurts more than ever.

I want to be better so I can see you again. Teach me to be better and help me make this pain go away. It has been a long time since I wrote you and I apologize for this. But I am here, always in pain, always loving you, always remembering you.

Hold on to mommy, baby.

I am here holding on to you too.

Always loving you,
Mommy